Let’s talk about crazy people

First, let’s just get this out there – yes, I have active profiles for online dating. I kept telling friends and family I wanted nothing to do with it, but after a while, I caved for two reasons: 1. Ok, maybe I’ll meet someone, and 2. I can show them why I resist it. And now, I want to keep them forever because there could be good people there, and the ones that aren’t are entertaining.

A lot of guys who turn to online dating have something in common. Well, many things. But we’ll just talk about this one today: they forgot the word ‘Hello.’

If you’re lucky, they also have a screw loose.

For example, one Saturday evening, I get a message that says “soooo…about tonight…”

That’s it. This is the first time I have ever heard from this guy. No hello, nothing, just that. This is the internet equivalent of the guy who comes up to you at 1:30 in a bar asking “so, you want to get out of here?”

I respond with “Umm..have a good one?” because, let’s be honest, if you know me, you know I couldn’t help myself.

My responses have disappeared because he keeps block and unblocking me (definitely a sane move), but I said it wasn’t that – I just like to start with maybe a hello or something with some manners first.

Ok, neither cancer nor suicide are things to laugh at. Sending this message is.

Please, tell me:

1. At what point do cancer meds make you forget to start with ‘hello?’
2. Does this actually work on people? Are there girls allowing guys to think this is ok?

I didn’t see that message at the time. I only got the pleasure of reading that a few days later, when this arrived:

What. I can’t. I actually laughed out loud. I’m still laughing out loud. It would have only been better if he said “I know you are but what am I??” I actually don’t know if this is an insult for sure. Maybe he likes that, he did smile afterwards, which is definitely what you should do after calling a girl ‘a alligator.’

This is what’s out there people. THIS. So the next time someone asks why I’m single, I’m just going to tell them I look like an alligator. Or something like that.

However, I will leave you with this:

About that time I thought “I never win anything”

Sometimes, you do get something out of laying on the couch scrolling through Facebook on your phone.

Like, a gift card for dinner and dessert.

And professional matchmaking services. Yep.

Like any lazy Saturday, I was laying around, avoiding cleaning or other more responsible things and came across a Valentine’s Day raffle with the grand prize of a Mitchell’s gift card, dessert at Bravo…and six free months of service from a local matchmaker. I entered because all I needed to do was give my contact information and I never win anything anyway, so no big deal.

Wrong. The Sunday after Valentine’s Day, I got the email that I won.

As one of the last single girls among my friends, it’s obviously my job to let the married set know what they are – or aren’t – missing, so I met with the matchmaker. Where I had a full photo shoot. Multiple poses. Tilted head, hands on hips. Sadly, there were no 2014 numbers to pose with. A guy came in as I was finishing and changed into his ‘first look.’ Full senior photos going on here.

So now I wait to be cropped, airbrushed, and set up with Pittsburgh’s Patti Stanger’s matches for me. Where if we both choose each other, they have to call and talk to me. No texting or email – we really are back at my senior photo timeframe.

Worst case? I got free Mitchell’s and dessert. Girl’s gotta eat.

To be continued…

 

Welcome to the Little Black [and Gold] Book

Hi. I’m 29, single, and live in Pittsburgh.

I haven’t started collecting cats, I don’t cry myself to sleep at night, and I had a great Valentine’s Day this year. While dating can be great and worth it, 90% of the time it’s hilariously entertaining for everyone hearing the stories. After plenty of these, I’ve been told I need to start a blog. I resisted, but things just keep getting stranger.

Every time someone suggests online dating, being set up, or going to a certain bar, anyone who is single knows the eye roll we can’t keep to ourselves. I know they all mean well and are just trying to help me find my someone, but I started sharing my ridiculous stories so that my friends and family would understand why I never jump on their suggestions. Now, everyone gets to enjoy them.

While I want to laugh about the things people do that they should probably avoid, I don’t want to hurt anyone so I, however, will not:

1. Give out somebody’s real name
2. Show someone’s actual photo
3. Talk about anyone I go out with who doesn’t do anything strange or that I continue to see

Also, I love to cook, so you can expect some of that…because everyone needs to know how to do that for when the right guy does come along. Or even if he doesn’t..girl’s gotta eat.